Empowerment Project--An Offer of Support

Photo credit: Mike Stenhouse

I've been thinking about how to broaden this Empowerment Project.  I love posting artistic contributions, like the glowing examples in the EP archives, but submissions aren't always brimming in my inbox. :) There has to be something else I can offer.

After being lucky enough to meet with a couple of therapy groups for survivors, I've realized that one of the best things I can provide is hope. And I'm qualified to provide that for the simple reason that I'm an example of someone living a happy life after being raped.

There are few things that can make a person feel more alone than surviving rape. Whether or not you tell people it happened, it's lonely. Whether or not they support you, it's lonely. Your relationships change--they can't help but change.  And it's hard to see that the aftermath won't always be your whole life.

When the aftermath was my life, I didn't know anyone who had gone through the same thing. Nobody who talked about it, anyway. I had nobody to ask questions. No positive examples to look to for hope that there might still be happiness for me, someday. It  all felt so impossible, sometimes.

I don't want it to feel that way for anyone else, if I can help it.

I want every survivor to know that everything is possible for you. Yes, YOU. You can have, be and accomplish anything you dream of.

I believe in being honest and open about what happened to me. I didn't always make the best choices on my road to recovery, but I'm here in one piece, with a wonderful family and friends, and I'm proud of the good choices I did make. If you have questions for me, I'd love to answer them here on my website so others might read them as well.

Just email alinabklein@gmail.com if there's anything I can help with.**  I will keep all names anonymous, unless you request otherwise.

We'll play this by ear and see if this is a viable way to add depth and further support to the Empowerment Project. I'd love to hear what you think.

**Please note: responses will be based on personal experience. I am not a licensed therapist or anything close to one. Therapy can offer you something else entirely and I urge you to consider it if you haven't already. My job, as I see it, is simply to relate because I can. We're all different, yet so many things are universal. You aren't alone.

The Perks of Crying Rape

**Trigger warning**

The wrongness of using qualifiers to modify rape has been been hashed and rehashed by reporters and bloggers these past few months, as various politicians have said ludicrous things and perhaps even derailed their own campaigns. I thought this post from Jezebel explained the issues of attaching qualifiers, quite well.

Of course, qualifiers of rape are nothing new, but the political stage is a grander and more terrifying place to invent  them. Yet in the conversations surrounding the issues it's rarely pointed out that these qualifiers originate in a general concern that people, particularly girls, routinely lie about being raped because of some perceived benefit it gives them.

Even people who say they are sympathetic toward "real rape" victims have asked me: "But, what about the girls who lie because they regret having sex?" Or, as Ken Beck once called it, who suffered "a case of buyer's remorse"?

Really?

It's like people think there are actually perks associated with telling the world you were raped. Like sympathy will rain down on you, and life will be made good---so everyone wants to do it.

So, allow me to tell you some of the many "perks" I enjoyed as a result of telling the world I was raped, (keeping in mind that my experience is literally one step removed from a "best case scenario"):

• First, I got to tell two male police officers aaaaaaall about it. 
• I got to have a rape kit performed, where I was intimately invaded, a second time--as well as photographed without clothes on. Good times.
• My peers called me names, both to my face and behind my back in whispers. Some were creative, others less so. My favorite was: "Dildo!" which is why it made it into RAPE GIRL. Because it's great, right?
• I lost friends--well and truly and forever. But, then, I guess they weren't really so--woohoo?
• Everything I'd ever worn (particularly that tan miniskirt I once borrowed from my sister) was the  obvious reason for my rape, as one grown woman helpfully pointed out. 
• Other girls came forward to say they'd been raped by the same guy, which you think would support my case. 
• Nope my "lies" were renamed a "conspiracy".
• My mom received hate mail. Threatening hate mail, for believing me and the other girls and encouraging prosecution. 
• Rumors at school made me seem a lot more exciting than I'd ever come close to being.
• All but one of the other girls dropped their charges.
• I got to repeat the details of the worst experience of my life ad nauseum, for hours upon hours in the prosecutors office preparing for my trial. Because there was an actual trial--a rare thing. Jealous, yet?
• At the trial I was questioned, and accused, by grown men in front of a microphone while trying to avoid my rapist's eyes
• The prosecutors "failed to establish my age at the time of the assault" and my case was dropped.
• He was convicted in the other girl's case and was sentenced to less than a week in jail and some community service.

Awesome, huh? Doesn't it sound fun? I mean, why wouldn't a girl want to falsely accuse someone of rape when she might get to experience any one of these things? 

Truly, support is rare. Belief is rare and precious. Telling never makes life easy.

The only real perks are in discovering who your true friends are, preventing wounds that fester when you don't tell, and maybe making other girls think twice about dating the accused. 

Is that what you're talking about, politicians? Yes? Then I guess crying rape made me a regular lucky duck.

The fact is, rape is rape. And anything less than "yes means yes" is damaging. I'd like to see that on a campaign trail.

Empowerment Project--Blog Spotlight

I wanted to share a new site I was introduced to by a friend.  It's called Finding Sunlight and it was started by a young writer named Natalia, to focus on and support survivors of IPSA (Intimate Partner Sexual Assault) which it does, admirably. Her blog, which is part of the site, focuses on IPSA as well as broader survivor issues, and is incredibly insightful, thoughtful and supportive. Go check it out and see for yourself! It is well worth following.

Empowerment Project--Breaking Rape Culture

I just love this drawing by Eve Yl.

Her heroine should have a series of graphic novels, don't you think?  Including a feature film spinoff and other product tie-ins. That's my vote!

Thank you so much, Eve, for letting me post your gorgeous and empowering sketch!

Empowerment Project--Not At Fault Video

This is a video I made for the NAF project, which I discussed here last week. It's not perfect, but I'm proud of it anyway.

Empowerment Project--A Call to Action

When I heard about the It Gets Better Project years ago, my first thought was: there should be something like this for rape survivors.  I even sent the group a message saying as much, but I imagine they have their hands very full doing the worthy work they're doing.

When I started my Empowerment Project I was hoping, in my own small way, to fill the void I'd noticed there. I wanted to provide a positive place to help survivors (of any sort of trauma) feel less alone, and a place for them to share their voices.  Still, in the back of my mind I thought there should be a project, with a specific, positive message like "It Gets Better" for rape and abuse survivors. And now, there is one. It's called the "Not At Fault Project".

They only started a few days ago and are trying their hardest to get it off the ground. But, friends, they have their work cut out for them. I know from personal experience that announcing you are a rape survivor holds the same sort of stigma and shame that announcing you're homosexual is known for. Maybe even more so, these days.

The tide, thankfully, is slowly turning for LGBT teens. The number of vocal supporters are growing, exactly as they should be. There are videos by the straightest of straight people on the "It Gets Better" youtube channel, offering support.  Most of us know what it feels like to be treated "less than" and we're capable of showing empathy even without firsthand experience.  THAT is the sort of support rape survivors need as well.

The following quote is from the brilliant TedTalk, "Listening to Shame"

Empathy is the key. Nothing more.

Please help promote this new project and do your part to douse the shame associated with being a rape-survivor. Survivors need champions too.

Submit a few words of support, a video, a kind note to the NAF project. If you're a survivor share a success story, a milestone, a happy moment you once thought would be impossible. I know I plan to. If you're not a survivor, reach out with empathy, anyway.  Take a video of yourself using some variation of this simple script if you'd like:

It was NOT your fault.  I won't judge you. I'm here to listen. I'm here to help. 

So simple. So powerful.

You guys, the statistics are staggering. 1  of every 4 girls will be raped in their lifetime and 1 of every 6 boys. Think about that for a moment, consider the magnitude

These survivors need you. They need kind words and support to come out of their own dark closets.  They need to realize, when they feel most alone, that there are people out there who care, and that they are capable and worthy of a bright and happy future.

Please don't wait to add your voice. This is way too important and entirely overdue.

Empowerment Project--"This is Me"

This post is reprinted from Carrie Cuinn's blog with her permission (edited slightly for venue).

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This Is Me (a post about rape, silence, and standing up)

Warning: This post is personal, sad, possibly triggering, and true. If you don’t want to know any more, stop reading now. There’s one picture past the jump, safe for work.


A few months ago I allowed Project Unbreakable to post a picture of me. If you’re not familiar with the site, it’s a tumblr of photographs, some taken by the site’s organizer, Grace. Most are self-portraits like mine. All of us, all of the people (men and women) on the site, are holding up signs. What each of us has written are the words that were said to us by the person who attacked us.

The point is to show that we are not broken by our experiences. It’s also to show, in another context, the words that the people who spoke them thought were so logical, so natural. When you look through the photos you see horrible, awful things that were said to people in a position of powerlessness, and you realize two things:

1. The people who victimize others often think they are completely justified in doing so.
2. We don’t forget. Not the words, not the actions, not the way it made us feel. Not ever.

It took me 20 years to finally finish putting myself back together from this thing that happened to me when I was 16. Twenty years of my life, colored and affected and twisted around by this. I am better now, and happy, and loved, and while I know that most people’s reaction is to say that they’re sorry, I’m ok. Thank you, in advance, for your concern. It took me a long time to be able to see it as caring, when it used to feel like pity (and so I didn’t tell people). Now I can see that what happened to me was sad, and it’s natural for other people to feel something when they think about it, and it doesn’t mean that I am not strong, or that I am not well, or that you’ll all look at me like I’m somebody’s lost puppy.

When this image appeared on the Unbreakable site, only one of my friends knew about it. I didn’t do it so that other people would know it was me. I wanted to be just another nameless person, standing up, letting people know that it’s ok to say something. (You should say something. You don’t have to live with this kind of secret, even though, far too often, we do.) The people who commented on and re-blogged that post were kind. I was nervous before it went up, though my friend told me I was a badass for doing it (she says that kind of thing to me a lot; we all need those kind of friends). I didn’t actually find out it was live until a few days later, and it felt like breathing out again. It was done, it was there, and nothing terrible happened because of it. I’d told the Internet my big secret, and everything was fine.

I decided to say something here, to put my name on that face, on that post, because another friend told me today that she wished she knew someone who’d spoken out, when she was younger, because then maybe she would have too. In that case, how can I not?

I know that I’m risking being known for this instead of my writing. I know that I’m risking being noticed by Internet trolls. But if one person sees this and says something they were afraid to say, then it’s worth it.

Project Unbreakable

Please, if you have something to say – tell someone. Don’t let someone else’s actions eat up any more of your life. You deserve a lot better than that, no matter what anyone else has said.

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I related to this post on so many levels, and agree with every word.  I think that the more people speak out, especially when it's most difficult, the more strength and voice others find in themselves.  Thanks so much for letting me share this, here, Carrie!

Empowerment Project--Love Your Body

Today's entry is from a friend who prefers to be called "Penguin".  Penguin has a blog where she posts amazing artwork as part of her therapy process. There are some lovely pieces over there so be sure to check it out!  Here are a few of my empowering favorites:

Love Your Body

Hope

Free

I love each of these messages, and find the first particularly compelling. So often trauma and eating disorders walk hand-in-hand and the list of services food fuels our bodies to provide are a brilliant reminder to anyone struggling with that beast.  All three images are beautiful and inspiring, aren't they?  Big hugs and thanks, Penguin, for letting me share your amazing artwork!

Empowerment Project--Men Were Scary

 

Men were scary. Everything about them made my case
I'd looked upon eyes of hatred
Lost when violent limbs found a place

The male form once etched into stone's of glory
Repulsed and terrified
A long forgotten, sad story

Defiant, one day
To reclaim the sight
Clutched one pen without delay
Etched the male form in all its glory

This poem, and accompanying artwork, were created by someone I greatly admire. Tara Shennan, a supportive friend of my lunatic fringe, has her own project for survivors called Join the Fight Back. Please check it out and be inspired by the brave contributions.

I found Tara's poem raw and painful, but at the same time awe-inspiring.  Thanks so much for this wonderful contribution, Tara!

Empowerment Project--This Smile's a Mask

The following poem is by Arielle.  I think this is one that everyone can relate to on some level. So beautifully stated.





This Smile's a Mask

This smile’s a mask
To cover the
Splinters of my heart

Shards of fear and pain
Define me now
Run so deep
My bones are filled with it

Distorted reflections of myself
Are reality now
Never ending judgement
Turns me against myself

I fake so much
Pretend the ugliness
Doesn't exist
Doesn't burrow deeper everyday

A parasite lives in me
Everyone would turn away if they could see
So I built walls
Closed off my heart

Masks I wear
A safety net
Against the cruel world
Against the tsunami inside me

So alone, adrift in silence
Words bursting to rush out
Stifled, locked away
I want to scream them all

Suddenly, a hand slides into mine
Breaks through all my barriers
Guides me to warmth
Sees all the darkest parts of me
Shows me the light
Bright and strong

It hurts
It heals

A flood of tears
Pieces of me slowly
Finding their way
Back together

This parasite so strong
Was weak after all
Truth destroying distorted perceptions
Of reality, of myself

My reflection’s clear
Bright and hopeful
For the first time
My smile’s not a mask



I feel a lump in my throat again, re-reading that. In our exchanges about the poem, Arielle said the following and I asked to share it with you:

"This poem kind of spilled out of me a couple days ago while I was laying in bed (I always get inspired right before I want to go to sleep, of course) and I had to type it out on my iPod. I usually write darker stuff but this time I wanted to show the light at the end of tunnel, that healing can happen, that healing hurts sometimes but it's worth it. After awhile it's like the mask takes over who you are, and you forget that there's something wonderful underneath, just waiting to shine again. It's hard to describe everything I wanted to express through my poem but I guess it's really kind of the journey I went through, and that I'm still going through"

We're all at various stages of that journey, aren't we? And the writers (and other creative types) here can all relate to the random grip of inspiration when your drifting off to sleep, I'm sure. 

Arielle also let me know that she's been inspired to try to put together "a book for survivors by survivors", similar to the Empowerment Project, as a way to help others.  I'd love to see that happen! For now she is focusing on school and just mulling it over, which makes me very proud. :)

Thank you so much for sharing your evocative and wonderful poem with me and with the world, Arielle!

Empowerment Project--Break Through

Today's poem comes from Fenna, and its about something very close to my heart.

Break Through

I really want to

I'm not that private

But it feels wrong to

Say it all out loud

From the inside

I scream out the words

From the outside

I keep being silent

From the inside

I scream out the words

From the outside

I keep being silent

Look into my eyes

I want you to break through

Hear my silent cries

Make me talk to you

From the inside

I scream out the words

From the outside

I keep being silent

From the inside

I scream out the words

From the outside

I keep being silent

I can only be free

If I can freely say

I

Was

Raped

Those last three words are about the hardest for any rape survivor to say and I'm proud and inspired by Fenna for sharing the reality of the struggle.  Even now, I hesitate slightly before mentioning the title of my book,  "Rape Girl" to anyone.  It's gotten easier, and will continue to do so.  Practice makes perfect and the word "rape" has lost most of its shaming grip upon me, and become what it should be: merely a label for the thing that happened to me, and to Fenna, and many of you. Its time for light to shine upon both the word and the experience of rape. If we all shout it together we can effect change. 

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with us, Fenna!

Note to a Survivor

This is a note I wrote in response to a lovely young girl who reached out to me.  I wanted to share it here because it is a perspective it took me a long time to gain and maybe it can put others on the fast track to a similar conclusion.  Maybe it will offer someone hope.


Dear----

I'm so sorry. :(  It must be so much more difficult when the person who hurt you is a member of your own family. It is indeed wrong for people to tell you to forget--you will never forget. But I promise you, things will get better for you. Growing up is insanely hard, especially when you've been abused, but these things you've gone through will shape you into a stronger woman if you let them. You will always feel loss for the childhood experiences you absolutely *should* have had when you were young, but please don't believe that childhood, or those experiences you crave, are lost to you. Some of the best adults--and the best writers--are the ones who try to regain that sense of wonder and fun and allow their adult selves to enjoy childlike things. Age is so relative. You will never truly feel older even as you grow up and have a family of your own (if you should choose to). We're all the same age, really, it's all about choices we make. You have new choices coming every day. Try to make good ones, but don't be afraid to mess up either. Be thoughtful. Write. And every day will take you further from the pain of the things you've experienced and closer to the day where the rest of your future will be entirely up to you. When you can choose whether to ever see your abuser again. I promise you the choices are all yours. Own them and do your best.

And whenever you feel the urge, please send me a note and we can turn somersaults together. :) Your childhood is coming, my dear!

Much love to you,

Stung, by the New York Times

If eleven bee-stings make me vibrate, I'm not sure how to describe my reaction to the sting of this article by James C. McKinley Jr.  I'm pulsing.  Every nerve is tingling.  I imagine it's how one might feel before lifting a car to save a life--then smashing it on the head of another who deserves it.

The first line of the query I wrote for my novel said: "Sometimes it's when you do 'Speak' your troubles start." I imagine that eleven-year-old survivor understands this better than anyone, right now.  If you've read my bio you know that I speak from experience when I say I can't even begin to imagine that girl's agony.  I was raped by one person.  There was no weapon, no circulating video to extend the trauma--and yet, to this day it impacts my life.

Eighteen men raped this eleven-year-old.  EIGHTEEN! It was a joke to them--and to her school-mates, apparently. Her rapists didn't feel remorse. None of them were "living with it" as one commenter seemed so concerned they would.  It was all fun and games to them until their hands were slapped--with cuffs.

Before that they were all there to witness the aftermath. She saw the looks, heard the jokes--knew what they meant and suffered from them.  And when a hero finally went to the authorities on her behalf it still only dropped another bomb into her life.  It opened her up to the judgement of bozos everywhere.  Bozos like James C. McKinley Jr.

There is not one single thing that girl could have done, said, or worn that could have invited that treatment, but she'll still feel blamed.  She will, in fact, be blamed by some:

Why was she even there?-----Why is anyone anywhere?


Why did she accept that ride?-----Accepting a ride is just accepting a ride, not asking to be raped.

Why didn't she go straight to the police?----Is it apparent to no one that there is no "healthy" or "right" choice a survivor can make when it comes to reporting a rape?  Either decision, to tell or not, causes varying degrees of destruction in a survivor's life. That's the nature of rape in our society and it's unconscionable.

I hope that young girl is in a good place right now with supportive people around her. If I could I'd take everything I've learned as a survivor and give it to her--wrapped in silk with a fancy bow and a hug.  I wish I could help her see the great future she's capable of having.  I hope she's safe.  I'll be thinking of her.

I feel pretty helpless right now, but I did do one thing--I signed this petition. Please do the same.